Vere Tu Es Deus Absconditus

  I am a Christian. I pray like crazy. And I grew up being told to listen in prayer. I've tried listening but nada. Exactly what is entailed in listening to/for God? The still, small voice? How does God speak? Through his word? Sure, but that's its own dilemma right there. So, I prayed and tried to listen and God was silent. What now? Silence, just silence.

 -"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"-

   I use apologetics to give reasons, primarily to myself now, for my faith. Yet, God escapes me. "Jonas, you need to have heart knowledge, too!" Well, how? Like stated above the silence is frightening and overwhelming. Apologetics is all well and good till it isn't.

 -"Pointless, because it seems to me like an attempt to put a grown-up man back into adolescence, i.e. to make him more dependent on things on which he is, in fact, no longer dependent, and thrusting him into problems that are, in fact, no longer problems to him."-

   I accept unknowing, the lack of certainty. Or, rather, I try to. I think hard and think well, attempting to use my mind to get somewhere with the unknowing and lack of certainty. But it's very obvious what I am doing. I'm finding certainty in the use of my mind to be uncertain. Oxymoron much?

 -"The eternal silence of these infinite spaces frightens me."-